I have worked with children of addicts/alcoholics for the majority of my career.  Many of them have the feeling that if their mom or dad loved them, they wouldn’t do drugs.

Any addicted parent will tell you that it has absolutely nothing to do with love.  The love never goes away.  It gets covered up and hijacked by drugs or alcohol.  One of the stories I tell children when they question a parent’s love is about a mother bear… It goes something like this.

A mother bear knows that her cubs are hungry so she sets out to look for food in the forest. 

“What do bears eat?” I ask.

“Berries? Fish? Taco Bell?” they respond.  

“Really!? Well those are very good guesses.”

I continue…

The mama bear starts foraging for food and notices something under a bed of leaves on the forest floor.  She has heard to stay away from it, but she is just too curious. She walks closer and sniffs at the shiny, silver object lying on the ground.  She looks a bit closer and pushes some leaves away as she gently paws at it.  She pushes harder.  WHAP!  Razor sharp teeth cut into her leg and the pain is excruciating!

…I ask, “Is the mama bear thinking about her cubs right at that moment?”  

“No!” the children call out.

“But, does the mama bear still love their cubs?” I ask.

The child thinks silently.

“Well of course she does!” I say.

And then I explain…

When addiction traps people, they are in deep pain and all they think about is how to get out of it.  The cubs can’t get the mama bear out of the trap, even though they may try so hard that they quit thinking about anything else.  They don’t play or laugh as much and feel like the other cubs don’t have moms that are trapped like this.  The mama bear, just like addicted parents, continues to try to get out of the trap by herself, convinced that she can figure it out, but she can’t. Ultimately, she has to ask for help.

When she chooses to do so, she is able to gather support and learn how to be free of drugs and alcohol and how she can show love to her children once again.

There are many lessons that can be learned from the mama bear story and, as I write it, I can’t help but wonder how many times Whitney Houston’s daughter tried to get her mother to stop using drugs.  I think of how she probably felt responsible for her mother’s drug use and how she couldn’t convince her mom to stop.  I think about how she may have wondered if her mother really loved her…  and I wonder if she ever truly did get the help she so desperately needed to understand this cunning and baffling disease.  Was she ever was told that her mom’s addiction is not her fault?

Bobbi Kristina had two addicted parents, which places her at a very high risk for addiction in her own life. Studies have shown us that children of addicts are 4-7 times more likely to repeat this pattern.  One of the things I have learned is that recovery passes to the next generation just like addiction. The family dynamics that shift with recovery give children a model for healthy living if the parents stay sober and practice a program of recovery. Addicted parents set an invaluable example when they make a mistake, admit that to their children, and say that they are sorry.  It creates a safe place for them to know that none of us are perfect and it’s okay to make mistakes.

If you know or love a child whose parent is struggling with addiction, make a point to let them know it’s not their fault.  Tell them that their mom or dad is not a bad person.  They have a serious illness and they do some bad and hurtful things.  Tell them they are not alone.  Thousands of children have moms and dads who are addicted.  Tell them that they do not have to be defined by the addiction in their family.  Tell them they can recover from the effects of their addicted parent live a life full of meaning and purpose.

Research shows that people who exercise are happier, sleep better, have better marriages, and have lower rates of taking antidepressants. Data says that exercising is just as beneficial to our mental health condition as it is to the outside physical body. Most people exercise to look good, or lose weight. It does much more than that. This is why its important to incorporate exercise into your daily routine.

We try to “practice what we preach” and recently visited Austin and participated in the Gorilla Run. Not only was it a great activity, it was for a wonderful cause as well. Providing meaning and purpose to our lives while supporting the silverback gorillas. No matter what your calling or purpose is, its good to explore different avenues of staying healthy.

From the start, we have included health and wellness with all our clients.  It’s why we have worked with the staff at Cooper Clinic to address the exercise and nutrition needs of clients – in an environment that encourages healthy living.  Here are some more wonderful tips from the Cooper Institute on how to begin to change your perspective on living a healthy lifestyle. Change starts here.

These are words I’ve never used.
I’ve only been afforded an opportunity to try to understand what it might be like.

I’ve never had to find a sponsor at an AA meeting… but, I’ve sat in smoke filled rooms with men who have.

I’ve never had to ask my wife for her forgiveness after a relapse… but, I’ve been present in the living rooms of men who have. I’ve watched blame fly through the room like poisoned arrows, and I’ve seen the beauty of true forgiveness.

I’ve never had to look my kids in the eyes and say, “I promise I’m going to stop drinking,” but I’ve seen hope in a child’s eyes when they’ve received those words.

“Hi. My name is Ryan and I’m a broken man.”

Those are words I’ve learned to share. They are words that require depth and understanding.
They are words attached to a story.

The last 3 years of my professional life at Innovation 360 have been spent in the trenches with men experiencing the realities of addiction, anxiety and depression. My title is ‘Life Development’ and my role is to walk through the darkest times of a man’s life with him. To listen to his story, and respond appropriately.

In almost every relationship I’ve had with someone struggling through addiction, the question surfaces, “How would you know what I’m going through?”
How do I even begin to answer that, I think.
So, I answer honestly. “You’re right. I don’t know. I have no idea what it’s like to experience the nuances of what you’re going through. I cannot even begin to step in to your shoes as you fight through this battle of addiction. But, there is something I do know. We share a common human experience. I do know what it feels like to hurt deeply, and to experience the weight of shame through hundreds of strategically hidden insecurities. I know what it’s like to hold on to something so tightly, that I feel I couldn’t possibly let go.

So then, what’s my response?
To share my story and listen to theirs.

When I heard the news late last Thursday night of Josh Hamilton’s relapse, my heart sank. The reaction wasn’t centered on my mild obsession with the Texas Rangers or even with his celebrity status and the backlash he would surely receive after having been so vocal about his faith. Instead, my thoughts immediately turned towards his family, and the circle that surrounds him. I do not know them, but I can imagine their experiences. I can hear the difficult conversations, because I know what they sound like. I’ve had a front row seat the last 3 years. I know what relapse looks like. I know of the guilt that most certainly surrounds the man and his community. Many of us have never personally experienced the struggle through addiction. Others of us have been firmly connected to those who have. Still others are in the thick of it at this very moment.

After this story broke, the quantity of response from local and national media outlets was tremendous. The responses were all over the board. Some seemed to have great compassion and others appeared to be enraged. Others even offered their opinions on his “diminished value” in Major League Baseball. The complexities of the situation and the man in the middle of it of course don’t help.

After spending countless hours watching dozens of men fight through addiction, it’s critial to note the amount of research that validates our personal encounters. It’s true through personal experience, and it’s true through science. Healthy relationships are a critical part of change. In his book Changing for Good, Carlo DiClemente tells us, “Our defenses rarely fool others, especially those close to us. That is why our spouses, children, parents, friends, and others who know us well are usually aware of our problems long before we are.”

So, then… what is our response to something like this? It seems to me, that we can take it as an opportunity to be encouraged to live in such a way that we are known. To experience the joy and pain of close community. To open our lives to one another. To respond with kindness when needed, and to avoid trying to be “nice”. To be vulnerable. To share our story. And to listen to the stories of others.

A community that speaks truth in to a man’s life, and allows him to share his story is critical. There’s no doubt his story is laced with shame and regret. All of ours are. It’s why it’s so fundamental to suffer well with one another, and to come to grips with the reality that we’re all going to fail, and we must lean in.

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Personal relationships are the fundamental unit of our society. Relationships are how we discover new ideas, understand our world and ultimately derive long-term happiness.” -Mark Zuckerberg

Read how Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, feels about creating a machine that allows people the power to connect to thousands of people, essentially making communication more efficient. That’s why we do what we do the way we do it. We too believe that relationships are the fundamental unit of our society, Mark! Read more…

There is interplay in all of us of three facets of our humanity–these are our feelings, thoughts and behavior. I want to focus more on the feelings and thoughts that we play with each day and may blog more on behaviors another time…

We seem to hear often from spiritual leaders, gurus, and armchair psychologists alike that we should give more emphasis to our thoughts or behaviors in our day-to-day lives, sometimes recommending we should try to reduce our emotions to a mere annoyance. This can seem inviting since emotions can oftentimes be difficult to experience. We may feel as if the sensation will never leave us, or we apply meaning to the thoughts: “This feeling is too painful for me to really feel!” It’s fascinating how we place meaning on specific thoughts but not on others.

There is another camp of individuals with the training and mind for psychology that may want us to focus more heavily on our emotions, as they want to teach us that our emotions govern our thoughts and behaviors at times. While I believe it’s true that emotions are the body’s expression of our internal state, to let them run rampant and unchecked is to live like a Kardashian! Essentially, emotions are not the enemy of rationality, but, when properly understood and respected, they can help present ourselves with a crucial connection between our body and mind.

But determining whether to focus more on thoughts or more on emotions at a particular time takes practice in the mind, the flexing of a mental muscle that has been in atrophy for many. The practice itself includes being mindful of what the thought is, not necessarily attributing some type of meaning to it, and letting it go—similar to the simple act of breathing each of us do every day to stay alive.

I believe that giving time and energy to exploring all three components of our being are important…as each one makes us uniquely us! Give each piece of our being its own time and space, respecting them for their own rich addition to our lives—feelings (emotions), thoughts (cognitions), and behaviors (what we do). To neglect any of these facets is the equivalent of chopping your leg off before you run the Boston Marathon.

I know this answer may be a little late, but it’s still the best answer – Don’t have children.  I’m sorry they never told us that our hearts would experience such ranges of joy, pride, sorrow, pain, and a host of other feelings we didn’t know existed prior to being a parent.  I’m not sure it would have mattered if we were told.

Let me take another shot at the answer since the first one might not have been helpful.  I was on a panel discussion last week and we got this same question.  I also ask our clients and families these same questions when I see them doing well.  Two things I heard this week that I have heard over the years.  First, never give up hope.  This world does not operate on the calendar and times of us as parents.  Change is often a very slow and painful process.  Instead of looking at your child’s life, look at your own, look at your marriage – how long did it take you to address a very complex and difficult issue?  Keep believing in the possibility of change, no matter how small it may be, protect it and keep it alive.

And second, try to allow pain and suffering to do its work. That’s almost a direct quote from a parent who is “struggling well” several years into this issue.  For him, and many other parents I’ve worked with, there is a spiritual element to the issue of pain. Bringing a spiritual growth and maturity that isn’t found in times of prosperity.  It’s as if there is a knowledge that all these things will work together in a way that I can’t fathom in the immediate, but know that there is the very real possibility they will produce benefits in ways that are far beyond the current pain.

I’ve been to AA and rehab and quit drinking alcohol but my wife continues to drink.  I’m okay with that, but is it a problem?

Is that a question?  Seriously, do you want to use up your one question on that?  Let me tell you a story and then ask a question.  There was once this little town where 2 couples lived next door to each other for 15 years.  One of the couples, we’ll call them the Joneses, smoked cigarettes every day for the past 15 years.  And the other couple, we’ll call them the Not-the-Joneses, smoked cigarettes every day as well for the past 15 years.  Well, one day Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Not-the-Jones went to their weekly book club meeting and decided to quit smoking for six months.  Low and behold a month into the deal neither had smoked a single cigarette. Interestingly, Mr. Jones decided he’d do it as well with his wife and had gone a month without a single cigarette.  Mr. Not-the-Jones, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as keen on the whole health kick and he continued to smoke, daily.

Question:  If you have to bet a dollar, which couple would you bet is going to make it 6 months without smoking?

So, how long did it take you to pick?  2 or 3 seconds?  Now, back to your original question and here’s where I go back to my answer and maybe now it makes sense – Seriously?! Do you want to use up your one question on that?

Helpful Hint on overcoming deeply entrenched behaviors: Stack the deck people!  Being strong is overrated. Be smart.  Set your world to succeed.  Especially in the first few months and years you are attempting change.  Try to get some successful months and years under your belt.

If your wife won’t quit drinking while you try, then you have 1 of 3 problems: 1:  She has a problem if she can’t quit (duh);  2:  She doesn’t understand how powerful addictions are and is severly underestimating how it will ruin her life and yours;  3:  She doesn’t get what it means to be married and that would require an entirely separate blog.  Can’t help ya there.

This movie captures the story of one such man and his remarkable and inspiring journey.  You can’t help but be encouraged by the ability of the human spirit to overcome.   It’s also another lesson to hold on loosely to how we believe life will turn out when we are in a valleys.  Life really is a journey, at times incredibly painful, at times incredibly joy-filled, at times fun, and at times uncertain.

What we know from the studies that have been done is that children raised in an alcoholic family have a significantly greater likelihood of developing an addiction. Likewise, children raised in a home with abuse (physical or sexual) are significantly more likely to continue the cycle of abuse. What those statistics don’t tell us is the power of the human spirit, of the ability of countless children who not only resolve to stop the cycle, but take the next step to impact the world.

In the midst of it all, remember, we don’t know how it will turn out – might actually be better than we fear. Learning from the lives of other people is powerful medicine.  When we see children struggle in a family that has abuse and addiction, we worry about what their future might look like. We often look at the painful circumstances around us and struggle to look to a path or a future that is beyond our pain.  And yet, there are countless people who have overcome.  We all need those people; they inspire us and give us hope when we feel hopeless.  So, enjoy a movie and be encouraged.