Failure of the Economy or Failure to Launch?
In the past week, a new report was published by the Pew Research Center with statistics illustrating the current cultural and economic climate of young professionals. It’s estimated that three in ten young adults who left home to pursue a higher level of education or career have made their parents’ home their residence once again. This probably isn’t a huge surprise given the present realities of an 8.3% national unemployment rate and an average student loan debt of $25,000 per student. There are very justifiable reasons that have brought numerous young professionals back to their parents’ doorsteps with suitcases and boxes in tow. Additionally, the stigma of “moving back in with my parents” is weakening as the frequency of this phenomena increases and as the country continues to acknowledge its current occupational difficulties.
Times are hard. No one is disputing that. And while it appears that job opportunities are on the rise, the lack of ease and success will be a consistent component of a current job search for some time. But how do we distinguish between a hardworking young adult who is truly battling against a temporary economic struggle and an apathetic young adult who is taking advantage of his parents’ generosity and the decreasing stigma attached to living at home?
Below are questions that, if answered “yes,” may merit an evaluation of your family’s current operating system:
- Is money (in addition to lodging, meals, etc.) being provided to my adult child with no expectations or consequences put upon him?
- Do I question that my adult child is actively, observably looking for work?
- Does my adult child consistently have excuses when interrogated about his perpetual unemployment?
- Am I as a parent doing something for my adult child that he can or should do for himself?
- Am I so preoccupied with my adult child’s wellbeing that I am neglecting my own personal desires or responsibilities?
- Is my adult child’s perpetual residence in my home the source or catalyst for frequent arguments with myself and other family members?
If any of these questions resonate with you or spawn concern, the team at Innovation 360 is equipped to offer support and guidance through individual and family therapy, life development services, and education.
Guest Blog by Todd Whitthorne: “The Keys to Omega-3 (aka Fish Oil)”
Hopefully by now you know all about the wonderful nutritional benefits of omega-3 fats. These are the healthiest of all fats….hands down! The omega-3’s come from fish (mostly “fatty” fish like salmon and trout) or from fish oil supplements. Unfortunately most Americans don’t eat much fish…..and Fillet O’Fish doesn’t count.
Much of the published research has focused on the cardiovascular benefits of the omega-3’s but there also is impressive data about their positive impact on the brain. Omega-3 fatty acids help those that suffer from mild to moderate depression, ADD-ADHD, and even schizophrenia. It also turns out, according to a study just published in the journal Neurology(February 27, 2012), omega-3 levels are associated with brain size and tests of mental acuity.
The study, which was conducted at U.C.L.A., examined 1,575 dementia-free men and women whose average age was 67. The researchers measured omega-3 fatty acids in red blood cells and also used MRI imaging to assess actual brain size (brains normally shrink with age). Those with the lowest levels of omega-3 had significantly lower total cerebral brain volume, even after adjusting for age, body mass index, smoking and other factors. Those in the lowest one-quarter also performed significantly worse on tests of visual memory, executive function and abstract memory than those in the highest one-quarter. “We feel omega-3’s reduce vascular pathology and thus reduce the rate of brain aging,” said Dr. Zaldy S. Tan, the lead author of the study and associate professor of medicine at U.C.L.A.
This is just one of literally thousands of studies showing the incredible benefits of omega-3 fats. The real key is to understand the proper dose needed to reap the benefits. Most experts believe we should consume at least 1,000 mg per day of EPA and DHA, which are the beneficial nutrients contained in fish or fish oil supplements. If you eat three to four servings of salmon per week you will get that much.
If you choose to get your omega-3 through fish oil then you need to read the “Supplement Facts” on the back of the label since not all products are created equal. Many fish oil products contain only a 30% concentration of EPA+DHA. This means in a 1,000 mg fish oil capsule there will be only 300 mg of EPA+DHA. In this case, in order to get to the target level of at least 1,000 mg per day you would need to take four capsules per day (4 x 300=1,200).
The higher quality fish oils contain at least a 50% concentration of EPA+DHA. For instance, with a product that contains a 60% concentration of EPA+DHA then just two capsules would give you the same 1,200 mg/day of EPA+DHA. Again, it’s very important to read the label and do some math. The attached info graphic helps explain “The Keys to Omega-3 (aka Fish Oil).”
Remember, nutritional supplements are aptly named. They are intended to “supplement” a good, balanced, healthy diet. However, since many Americans often have gaps in their diet it makes since to use supplements as an insurance policy. If you would like to learn more about omega-3’s or supplements in general please visit www.coopercomplete.com.
Stay well!
Todd Whitthorne
President/CEO, Cooper Concepts, Inc.
BIO: Todd Whitthorne has been in the public eye for more than 20 years. He is currently the president and chief executive officer of Cooper Concepts, Inc., and executive director of Cooper Wellness Program, a division of Cooper Aerobics Center in Dallas. He is also a member of the Governor’s Advisory Council on Physical Fitness. To read more, click here.
It’s Not All About You, but Sometimes It Is…
It is often talked about when someone is going through difficult times in his or her life, financially or relationship trouble, to not forget about paying attention to you. It is hard to not neglect the things that keep the balance in our lives when life moves as fast as it does. We help people who are struggling and encourage them to maintain the balance as well, so there are times when it is necessary to make things about you!
As I help people, I have needed to learn (and who am I kidding, still am learning) what it looks like to take care of myself, something we ask our clients to do daily as part of their holistic, 360-degree treatment programs. I’m learning to separate the compassion, empathy, concern, and responsibility I feel for our clients from the truth that I am not their savior. There is nothing easy about that task, but I have found some ways to self-care because if I don’t, I’m not doing anyone any favors.
- Taking 15 minutes to debrief about my day – What was difficult? What was easy? Any stand out moments that I just need to share.
- Deep friendships – they give me the opportunity to share and grow and be challenged… and also to relax
- Playtime – no, I’m not 5, but I can play. It’s important to, whether you’re your spouse or with friends or a sweet dog. I remember that every moment isn’t about work.
- Prayer – it releases me from the thought that I have control… painful, but true.
- Yoga – it is more therapeutic than I ever knew… focusing on breathing and the placement of my body (especially in those deep feel-it-in-your-hips stretch moments).
- Cooking – this is one for me that has only recently become cathartic. I’ve found that being creative in the kitchen let’s me not only enjoy the process but (most often) the delicious results as well.
So whether you work 9-5 behind a desk or the graveyard shift at Children’s hospital, healthy self-care matters. How are you caring for yourself? What is your unwind strategy? This article discusses the topic and offers some suggestions of other ways to take care of YOU!
10 Surefire Ways to Push Your Teens Toward Addiction by Doug Chisholm MA, LPC
Through years of working with teens and parents in individual and family therapy, I have heard and seen some shocking things. Families are unpredictable. There are, however, some universal parenting dynamics that seem to enrage, deflate or isolate teenagers and increase their chances to turn to drugs or alcohol to numb what they are feeling. The following list contains ten unhealthy ways in which I have seen parents habitually relate to their teens. Follow them, and you might find yourself in a mess…
1. Fix all your child’s problems. Disempower your kids by assuming they aren’t responsible enough to help themselves or make sound decisions. Never let them fail or feel the sting of life’s consequences. After all, if your teen makes his or her own mistakes, your neighborhood friends might think you are a bad, out of control parent…
2. Focus on details, not feelings. Make sure your children know your all important black and white stances on everything during their times of hurt and pain. Relentlessly give advice and ignore tears, struggles and frustration. Always tell them how “you would handle it.” Don’t discuss your child’s inner world. Someone else will probably handle that…
3. Minimize your child’s problems. Use phrases like, “You don’t have it that rough,” or “Things could be much worse.” Invalidate their feelings by comparing them to others, especially siblings. Since you had it much worse as a teen, your child shouldn’t possibly have the right to hurt or feel anything but joy.
4. Expect your teen to relate to you as they did at age 10. Ignore the plethora of developmental research that show it is normal and healthy for teens to process issues with peers and friends instead of parents. Remain annoying and constantly probe into your child’s personal life to dispel your own basic anxiety.
5. Give your child no personal freedom. Arbitrarily force your teens to leave their room doors open at all times. Be inflexible with curfews and friends. Call your child multiple times each day to remind them they remain tied to a short, invisible parental leash.
6. Be nosy. Read your child’s journal. Pretend to put away laundry while you secretly rummage for dirt to satisfy that aching suspicion that your child is shady. Search under beds and mattresses. Do every intrusive thing you would hate to be done to you.
7. Never provide reasons behind rules. Arbitrarily state, “Because I said so.” Never provide the logical support for reasons behind your decisions that you would ironically love to have from your bosses.
8. Never give choices. Make your child feel trapped and insignificant. Remind them daily that they aren’t smart enough to make wise decisions…so choices aren’t necessary.
9. Never affirm your children for who they are. They know you love them, care for them, and would do almost anything to put smiles on their faces. There is no need to tell them positive things that would encourage them after long, hard days at high school where they are surrounded by negative and judgmental comments. One thoughtful birthday card per year and the occasional hug should do the trick…Only tell your kids you are proud of them after good performances in sporting events or recitals to show them your love and acceptance is performance based and conditional…
10. Buy your children everything that their friends have. Remind them that true happiness lies in possessions and instant gratification. Never set boundaries on what they can not have or teach them that rewards and freedom come with responsibility.
Whitney’s daughter suffers the tragedy of her mothers addiction…
Pam Newton, founding director of the Betty Ford Five Star Kids Program in DFW, has worked with children and families’ wrestling with addiction for over 30 years has become an essential asset of i360. Here, she shares her thoughts about the death of Whitney Houston and the impact addictions have on children:
I have worked with children of addicts/alcoholics for the majority of my career. Many of them have the feeling that if their mom or dad loved them, they wouldn’t do drugs.
Any addicted parent will tell you that it has absolutely nothing to do with love. The love never goes away. It gets covered up and hijacked by drugs or alcohol. One of the stories I tell children when they question a parent’s love is about a mother bear… It goes something like this.
A mother bear knows that her cubs are hungry so she sets out to look for food in the forest.
“What do bears eat?” I ask.
“Berries? Fish? Taco Bell?” they respond.
“Really!? Well those are very good guesses.”
I continue…
The mama bear starts foraging for food and notices something under a bed of leaves on the forest floor. She has heard to stay away from it, but she is just too curious. She walks closer and sniffs at the shiny, silver object lying on the ground. She looks a bit closer and pushes some leaves away as she gently paws at it. She pushes harder. WHAP! Razor sharp teeth cut into her leg and the pain is excruciating!
…I ask, “Is the mama bear thinking about her cubs right at that moment?”
“No!” the children call out.
“But, does the mama bear still love their cubs?” I ask.
The child thinks silently.
“Well of course she does!” I say.
And then I explain…
When addiction traps people, they are in deep pain and all they think about is how to get out of it. The cubs can’t get the mama bear out of the trap, even though they may try so hard that they quit thinking about anything else. They don’t play or laugh as much and feel like the other cubs don’t have moms that are trapped like this. The mama bear, just like addicted parents, continues to try to get out of the trap by herself, convinced that she can figure it out, but she can’t. Ultimately, she has to ask for help.
When she chooses to do so, she is able to gather support and learn how to be free of drugs and alcohol and how she can show love to her children once again.
There are many lessons that can be learned from the mama bear story and, as I write it, I can’t help but wonder how many times Whitney Houston’s daughter tried to get her mother to stop using drugs. I think of how she probably felt responsible for her mother’s drug use and how she couldn’t convince her mom to stop. I think about how she may have wondered if her mother really loved her… and I wonder if she ever truly did get the help she so desperately needed to understand this cunning and baffling disease. Was she ever was told that her mom’s addiction is not her fault?
Bobbi Kristina had two addicted parents, which places her at a very high risk for addiction in her own life. Studies have shown us that children of addicts are 4-7 times more likely to repeat this pattern. One of the things I have learned is that recovery passes to the next generation just like addiction. The family dynamics that shift with recovery give children a model for healthy living if the parents stay sober and practice a program of recovery. Addicted parents set an invaluable example when they make a mistake, admit that to their children, and say that they are sorry. It creates a safe place for them to know that none of us are perfect and it’s okay to make mistakes.
If you know or love a child whose parent is struggling with addiction, make a point to let them know it’s not their fault. Tell them that their mom or dad is not a bad person. They have a serious illness and they do some bad and hurtful things. Tell them they are not alone. Thousands of children have moms and dads who are addicted. Tell them that they do not have to be defined by the addiction in their family. Tell them they can recover from the effects of their addicted parent live a life full of meaning and purpose.
What are the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle?
Having a healthily lifestyle can be a challenge – busy work schedules, large quantitates of processed foods, and little margin in our lives for “down time”. Making matters worse, we hold onto the myth that our physical health is unrelated to our emotional health. Our physical health does impact our emotional health and our emotional health impacts our physical health (think about professional athletes that have struggled and why they pay for sports psychologists to help them improve that area of their life).
Research shows that people who exercise are happier, sleep better, have better marriages, and have lower rates of taking antidepressants. Data says that exercising is just as beneficial to our mental health condition as it is to the outside physical body. Most people exercise to look good, or lose weight. It does much more than that. This is why its important to incorporate exercise into your daily routine.
We try to “practice what we preach” and recently visited Austin and participated in the Gorilla Run. Not only was it a great activity, it was for a wonderful cause as well. Providing meaning and purpose to our lives while supporting the silverback gorillas. No matter what your calling or purpose is, its good to explore different avenues of staying healthy.
From the start, we have included health and wellness with all our clients. It’s why we have worked with the staff at Cooper Clinic to address the exercise and nutrition needs of clients – in an environment that encourages healthy living. Here are some more wonderful tips from the Cooper Institute on how to begin to change your perspective on living a healthy lifestyle. Change starts here.
Does Josh Hamiltons story call us to change?
“Hi. My name is Ryan and I’m an addict.”
These are words I’ve never used.
I’ve only been afforded an opportunity to try to understand what it might be like.
I’ve never had to find a sponsor at an AA meeting… but, I’ve sat in smoke filled rooms with men who have.
I’ve never had to ask my wife for her forgiveness after a relapse… but, I’ve been present in the living rooms of men who have. I’ve watched blame fly through the room like poisoned arrows, and I’ve seen the beauty of true forgiveness.
I’ve never had to look my kids in the eyes and say, “I promise I’m going to stop drinking,” but I’ve seen hope in a child’s eyes when they’ve received those words.
“Hi. My name is Ryan and I’m a broken man.”
Those are words I’ve learned to share. They are words that require depth and understanding.
They are words attached to a story.
The last 3 years of my professional life at Innovation 360 have been spent in the trenches with men experiencing the realities of addiction, anxiety and depression. My title is ‘Life Development’ and my role is to walk through the darkest times of a man’s life with him. To listen to his story, and respond appropriately.
In almost every relationship I’ve had with someone struggling through addiction, the question surfaces, “How would you know what I’m going through?”
How do I even begin to answer that, I think.
So, I answer honestly. “You’re right. I don’t know. I have no idea what it’s like to experience the nuances of what you’re going through. I cannot even begin to step in to your shoes as you fight through this battle of addiction. But, there is something I do know. We share a common human experience. I do know what it feels like to hurt deeply, and to experience the weight of shame through hundreds of strategically hidden insecurities. I know what it’s like to hold on to something so tightly, that I feel I couldn’t possibly let go.
So then, what’s my response?
To share my story and listen to theirs.
When I heard the news late last Thursday night of Josh Hamilton’s relapse, my heart sank. The reaction wasn’t centered on my mild obsession with the Texas Rangers or even with his celebrity status and the backlash he would surely receive after having been so vocal about his faith. Instead, my thoughts immediately turned towards his family, and the circle that surrounds him. I do not know them, but I can imagine their experiences. I can hear the difficult conversations, because I know what they sound like. I’ve had a front row seat the last 3 years. I know what relapse looks like. I know of the guilt that most certainly surrounds the man and his community. Many of us have never personally experienced the struggle through addiction. Others of us have been firmly connected to those who have. Still others are in the thick of it at this very moment.
After this story broke, the quantity of response from local and national media outlets was tremendous. The responses were all over the board. Some seemed to have great compassion and others appeared to be enraged. Others even offered their opinions on his “diminished value” in Major League Baseball. The complexities of the situation and the man in the middle of it of course don’t help.
After spending countless hours watching dozens of men fight through addiction, it’s critial to note the amount of research that validates our personal encounters. It’s true through personal experience, and it’s true through science. Healthy relationships are a critical part of change. In his book Changing for Good, Carlo DiClemente tells us, “Our defenses rarely fool others, especially those close to us. That is why our spouses, children, parents, friends, and others who know us well are usually aware of our problems long before we are.”
So, then… what is our response to something like this? It seems to me, that we can take it as an opportunity to be encouraged to live in such a way that we are known. To experience the joy and pain of close community. To open our lives to one another. To respond with kindness when needed, and to avoid trying to be “nice”. To be vulnerable. To share our story. And to listen to the stories of others.
A community that speaks truth in to a man’s life, and allows him to share his story is critical. There’s no doubt his story is laced with shame and regret. All of ours are. It’s why it’s so fundamental to suffer well with one another, and to come to grips with the reality that we’re all going to fail, and we must lean in.
“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Zuckerberg’s Letter to Shareholders: “Personal Relationships Are the Fundamental Unit of Our Society”
In recovery, healthy relationships are foundational. Think about it. What would recovery be like if you were on a deserted island? There would be no need for a recovery program or anything else to help you get through your day. The only relationship that would need cultivating would be the one you have with yourself, and there would be plenty of time for that because there wouldn’t be any one else around! This quick thought experiment gives us important insight into recovery: it’s all about relationships and finding peace and balance within them.
“Personal relationships are the fundamental unit of our society. Relationships are how we discover new ideas, understand our world and ultimately derive long-term happiness.” -Mark Zuckerberg
Read how Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, feels about creating a machine that allows people the power to connect to thousands of people, essentially making communication more efficient. That’s why we do what we do the way we do it. We too believe that relationships are the fundamental unit of our society, Mark! Read more…
The Interplay of Feelings and Thoughts in the Human Experience
“Over time, [we] can use our thoughts to bring comfort when [we] hurt, coherence when [we] are confused, and order when [we] feel threatened by chaos. They are the adult’s version of the infant’s pacifier—a private and very personal comforter that is always available to do its job of bolstering identity, security, meaning, and self-esteem.” –David Brenner
There is interplay in all of us of three facets of our humanity–these are our feelings, thoughts and behavior. I want to focus more on the feelings and thoughts that we play with each day and may blog more on behaviors another time…
We seem to hear often from spiritual leaders, gurus, and armchair psychologists alike that we should give more emphasis to our thoughts or behaviors in our day-to-day lives, sometimes recommending we should try to reduce our emotions to a mere annoyance. This can seem inviting since emotions can oftentimes be difficult to experience. We may feel as if the sensation will never leave us, or we apply meaning to the thoughts: “This feeling is too painful for me to really feel!” It’s fascinating how we place meaning on specific thoughts but not on others.
There is another camp of individuals with the training and mind for psychology that may want us to focus more heavily on our emotions, as they want to teach us that our emotions govern our thoughts and behaviors at times. While I believe it’s true that emotions are the body’s expression of our internal state, to let them run rampant and unchecked is to live like a Kardashian! Essentially, emotions are not the enemy of rationality, but, when properly understood and respected, they can help present ourselves with a crucial connection between our body and mind.
But determining whether to focus more on thoughts or more on emotions at a particular time takes practice in the mind, the flexing of a mental muscle that has been in atrophy for many. The practice itself includes being mindful of what the thought is, not necessarily attributing some type of meaning to it, and letting it go—similar to the simple act of breathing each of us do every day to stay alive.
I believe that giving time and energy to exploring all three components of our being are important…as each one makes us uniquely us! Give each piece of our being its own time and space, respecting them for their own rich addition to our lives—feelings (emotions), thoughts (cognitions), and behaviors (what we do). To neglect any of these facets is the equivalent of chopping your leg off before you run the Boston Marathon.
Question and Answer: Parents
One of the tougher questions we get, from parents – How do you deal with the pain and suffering of a child addicted to drugs and alcohol?
I know this answer may be a little late, but it’s still the best answer – Don’t have children. I’m sorry they never told us that our hearts would experience such ranges of joy, pride, sorrow, pain, and a host of other feelings we didn’t know existed prior to being a parent. I’m not sure it would have mattered if we were told.
Let me take another shot at the answer since the first one might not have been helpful. I was on a panel discussion last week and we got this same question. I also ask our clients and families these same questions when I see them doing well. Two things I heard this week that I have heard over the years. First, never give up hope. This world does not operate on the calendar and times of us as parents. Change is often a very slow and painful process. Instead of looking at your child’s life, look at your own, look at your marriage – how long did it take you to address a very complex and difficult issue? Keep believing in the possibility of change, no matter how small it may be, protect it and keep it alive.
And second, try to allow pain and suffering to do its work. That’s almost a direct quote from a parent who is “struggling well” several years into this issue. For him, and many other parents I’ve worked with, there is a spiritual element to the issue of pain. Bringing a spiritual growth and maturity that isn’t found in times of prosperity. It’s as if there is a knowledge that all these things will work together in a way that I can’t fathom in the immediate, but know that there is the very real possibility they will produce benefits in ways that are far beyond the current pain.
